Blending the Stirred Up Family
As divorce spreads
across the country, and single adult life is quickly becoming the norm, a whole
generation of 30-somethings and 40-somethings are being initiated into blended
family life. People like my husband and
I came to the blended family scene as children of a nuclear family; our parents
had never been divorced. While you may
think that would lead to having a better support system for our blended family,
I’m here to tell you it can be culture shock all around.
Grandparents, stepparents, the biological
parents of stepparents, half-siblings, biological children, and other extended
family members are bound to face a learning curve - just as we did - when we
started blending a family. When my husband and I got married it was mom and her
son, plus dad and his sons, equal… well, a hot mess! Initially, my husband and
I wanted to start drawing lines in the sand to protect our children. “I’m
worried your son may be a bad
influence on my boys,” he would
remark. “Don’t be so heavy-handed with your expectations; he’s only five!” I
would snap back. The early days of blending a family should be called “All Our
Problems 101: A Crash Course in Exploring the Neurosis of Your Housemates”.
In addition to the early
clashes of blended family life is the Escape Hatch Syndrome. This how I refer
to the thought: if you don’t like a particular
member of your family at the moment, you can ride it out until one of you
leaves for visitation. Now when- before the realities of divorce- have kids
ever had that option? We have learned
to always resolve conflicts, no matter how difficult, before visitation weekend or holiday vacation starts.
Our days as newlyweds in
our first marriages paled in the flickering glow of the refining fires of the
new blended family. More patience, kindness, tact and resilience must be displayed as everyone
learns just how to bring out the very worst in one another. During these rough
days in our early blending, whenever possible, we had a video camera rolling. Now we all look back at our videos and laugh
at those days that we call “The Year Long Uninterrupted Scream.” Some of those
movies are pretty rough to watch, but we gained so much encouragement. Watching
our old videos allowed us to see that our blended family was moving forward.
.
If I had our early
blending days to do over again, I wouldn’t try so hard to “be normal”. Having
more than three children, we tried to align ourselves with others in the “large
family living” mindset. We tried to overlook our blended family status and got
into a toxic routine of bemoaning the time any of us spent interacting with a
parent from a previous marriage. “If only
our family was the way it should be!” we’d groan. It took us a few years to
realize it, but our big, beautiful, blended family is the way it should be.
Never compare your
blended family to a traditional family in a derogatory way. Your family isn’t inferior
to a family that’s never seen divorce, it just doesn’t look or act the same,
nor should it. Members of blended families have the potential of becoming
lifelong friends with people who they, otherwise, would never have had the
honor of knowing so deeply. Relish the moments you spend together and take the
time to ride the ups and downs that can cause you to blend thoroughly. After
you embrace the gift of your unique new blended family structure, the real fun can begin!
This is a guest post by
Stephanie Somers the Stirred Up Mama. She blogs about blended family living, home
school and life after divorce at www.stirredupfamily.com. Visit The Stirred Up Family on Facebook to learn more.
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